"It is - according to Malthus, and to a higher authority, Alderman Lucas,- to the over population of this country that we are indebted for its present depressed condition. Of the numerous remedies applicable to the evil, none have been found so effectual as Steam-boats; and, although their superiority over the small-pox and rail-roads has been disputed, yet, from the increased favour in which, every succeeding season, they are held, as engines of destruction, it is clear that the highest opinion is entertained of their efficacy.
In proof of this, the stranger has only to trust himself on board a six-penny Gravesend boat on a fine Whit-Sunday. The deck crammed, and no standing-room on the paddle-boxes, he will be wedged in by the crowd so tightly as to preclude the use of his limbs when the accident, which is sure to occur, takes place. Exactly at the moment of the start, an opposition boat will also set off, so that the speed will be deliciously exhilarating. In trying to give "Bugsby hole" as narrow a berth as possible, each captain will foul his adversary, and a few passengers will to make an additional hole or two be missed from the paddle-boxes, in the water. As they will very likely amount to a dozen, - quite enough to help one another, - it would be nonsense to stop either vessel, so the speed is doubled.
In furtherance of the praiseworthy object for which these vessels were originally started, (the reduction of the population,) they are ordered to "go on" at the precise moment a passenger is stepping off.
If the stranger get a sight of the cabin, it will be a mistake to imagine that its occupants are confined there as a punishment for some misdemeanour, however much their imprisoned and crowded condition might warrant the supposition. The error will be corrected when he hears them giving vent to bottled porter, and to songs of a comic character; the latter are "volunteers," but the former a compulsory employment, the heat of the "saloon" being so intense that the malt would open itself in spite of the corks.
As the number of passengers gradually decreases at the various stopping-places, - by means of "easing her," and then suddenly going on just in time to send the debarkers into the water instead of into the wherry waiting to receive them - several of the tappers of stout escape from their confinement to the deck and commence a series of pleasing practical jokes, in the course of which numerous hats, (with a wearer sometimes attached,) find their way either to the bottom, or to the Nore. So you are sure to get to Gravesend, either in due course, or by means of a cold bath in the Thames.
For a full account of the Above-bridge Steamer Fleet, we must refer the inquisitive stranger to "Punch, Vol. 1., page 35," and to "A Sentimental Journey along the Coasts of the Thames," published in recent Numbers."
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